"That's a stupid decision."
"I am very intelligent."
"You're a bad mother."
"You are the best teacher I've ever had."
"You're a terrible father."
"You weigh 300lbs."
"You look amazing in that outfit."
"You have wrinkles aroud your eyes."
"You are a felon."
"The sky is beautiful today."
"Your child is on drugs"
"You're cheating on your wife."
"You drive too slow."
"I will never be happy."
"Your house is in foreclosure."
"Your temperature is normal."
"You only have a highschool diploma."
"You can't afford to buy Christmas presents."
"I love you."
"I hate you."
Fear of hearing statements like those above keep us from speaking, acting, sharing, reaching out for help, offering our assistance, connecting with others or simply living genuine lives. This applies to the "good" and "bad" statements. We fear both kinds.
We hear these statements from others, read them in official letters, write or type them in emails, and we say them to ourselves.
These statements are proof of our deficiencies. They're the truth of our realities and they're proof that we need to improve and be better than we are or that we need to keep being as amazing as we are. These statements are facts.
They're also judgments.
I evaluate training programs in my professional life and the learning and practice that has allowed me to write evaluation papers and reports, create unique evaluation processes and present to other evaluators has also has led me to several insights:
Insight #1: judgment means, "to say", so everything we say (and think) is judgment
Insight #2: judgment is always about the judge
Insight #3: judgment is never about you (the perceived object of the judgment) nor do you have control of the judgment
Insight #4: You (the judged) are not responsible for changing the judge's judgment. The judged cannot change the judgment.
Insight #5: judgment is not the truth, nor is it false. It's simply the judge's expression of his/her/their uniquely limited knowledge, sight, perspective, bias, etc.
Insight #6: No one fears judgment, but everyone fears that judgment is final and true
Example:
My boyfriend is always complimenting my looks. He consistently refers to me as "pretty face" and I love it. He also encourages me to exercise, mostly because he loves to exercise but also because he would like me to tone up in a few areas. The positive judgment, I love, but the one that suggested my body is not as good or desirable as it can be, I don't like as much.
I don't fear his judgment of me as pretty or fat. However, I used to fear (or know without question) that his judgment of me, be it positive or negative, was the truth. So to change the truth, I would have to change his judgment.
He, as the judge, is sure that his judgment of me (again, positive or negative) is actually about me, when in reality, he is demonstrating verbally and with his thinking, behaviors and feeling; his unique perspective, bias, fears, etc. If at any time he wants to change his judgment about me, he has to change...not me.
While I cannot change his judgment, I can change my perception of what he is doing as something other than judgment. (that's a different post, though)
We all occupy the same space and the same "objective" reality, but our judgment is only one of billions and none of them are the truth.
YOUR TASK
1. Document the positive and negative judgments about you that you hear, read and see from family, friends, strangers, the credit bureaus, your ex-spouse, your current spouse, your ex or current partner, your children, and the people or groups you most despise and admire. Which are true and which are false?
2. Document the judgments (words, numbers, images, feelings, etc.) that you have about yourself (positive and negative). Which are true and which are false?
2. Apply to each judgment, the 6 insights above.
3. Share your thoughts in the chat.
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